Sincerely yours, Kathryn

Right now, I’m in the process of making some life changes. Lately, I have been thinking of myself largely in the context of other people and feel like I don’t have any control. I feel like I’ve been passively WAITING for people to make decisions that will prompt change in my own life. I’m not content right now but I haven’t made any decisions on my own to fix my insecurities.

For example, Al is extremely likely to study aboard in Japan next year. The thought of him leaving is overwhelming, not just because I’m losing my boyfriend but, since I am crashing at his place, his departure uproots my entire LIFE. It proves to me that I have once again put too much stock in to one person and I need to resurrect some of my independence. Instead of waiting for the last possible moment to react to Al’s decision, I need to establish myself NOW. I am 23 years old with a full-time job – it’s time to get a life of my own.

That being said, I am looking to move in the next month or two. I have been browsing CraigsList trying to get an idea of prices of studios in particular neighborhoods. I am immediately drawn to River North because of the location (I work in River North) but it’s an extremely pricey neighborhood, comparable to Lincoln Park / Gold Coast. Ideally, I’d like to have a place off of the brown line or #22/#156 bus, since those all run near my office.

If I’m COMPLETELY honest with myself, I don’t particularly love living by myself. While I love not having to clean up my cosplay supplies and walking around in my underwear, I always feel vulnerable and a little lonely. It helped a lot when I had Bella as a roommate but since my mom has taken ownership of Bella, they’re both a lot happier. However, none of my friends are in a position to move right now and I don’t like the idea of living with a stranger so it looks like I’m flying solo.

I’m thinking about moving in early December. October will fly by before I know it and I could use some extra time to prepare, especially since I don’t even have a BED right now. I haven’t even brought it up to my mom and I know she won’t like the idea, since she’ll just want me to move home to save money. I’ll call and ask her about it today.

Anyway, that’s where my head’s at right now…

I’ve been kind of depressed these past couple of days and I don’t know why. I’m not really happy with myself right now and for once it’s internal issues. I feel like I’m not impressing anyone at work and I’m just sort of sliding by, even though I’m really trying. I’m not making any serious mistakes but Tina will ask me the status of an issue and I won’t know the answer. It also seems like I have really bad luck and I get stuck with the very complicated programs. Lauren’s programs, in comparison, seem very black and white. I compare myself to Lauren because we hold the same position and at the very least, I need to be on the same level as her.

I feel like part of the problem is the way I appear to people. I feel like Lauren and Heidi are personable and open while I’m very guarded and introverted. Especially at work, I like to seem like I know what I’m doing so I don’t often show any vulnerability but at the same time, I think that makes me unlikable. Mark, an employee in Miami, is not very good at his job but Tina once mentioned that the reason he’s so valuable is because he is so friendly and knows everyone. I feel like I’m scatterbrained AND unfriendly so I’m not good at either aspect of my job.

I just feel like an awful person right now. I need to start opening up to people but I’m scared…